Somewhat misleading

Graphic designers, take note: Despite the title and cover illustration, this book will not serve as an effective replacement for your monochromatic Pantone swatches. I felt so disappointed by this bait and switch I felt I had no recourse but to read the book a half-dozen times to make sure I got my money’s worth out of this misguided purchase.

Practical

Along with protecting charcoal grills from the ravages of the weather, this cover is an extremely effective and economical solution for agoraphobic party guests.












 

Excellent!

I found this an invaluable how-to guide on picking up desperate, single massage therapists.














 

A Star is Born

Aficionados of child dance ensembles will thrill to the performances in this gem of a movie. Not since Season 2 of America’s Got Talent has an ensemble provided edge-of-your-seat thrills like the Sparkle Motion performances in this film, which found this reviewer standing on top of his ottoman cheering and clapping.

A word of caution, however: the “director’s cut” of this movie includes considerable extraneous footage of an angst-ridden teen and a man-sized talking rabbit that, frankly, detract from the pure and simple magic of Sparkle Motion. When will directors ever learn to spare us their dilettantish pretentions and just let us enjoy the performances? 

A few liberties taken

This novel featured some excellent repartee between novelists Stephen King and Stewart O’Nan. However, I must question King’s recount of Game 3 of the ACLS, as I don’t recall seeing any river of blood pouring down the Green Monster and into left field.

Wonderful, but….

… for a product intent on creating a genuine rainforest experience, the sounds of bulldozers and chainsaws are conspicuously absent.

Challenges our most closely held conceptions

I must confess that this memoir made me a bit uncomfortable at first, but after reflecting upon this sincere and heartwarming tale of the physical manifestation of love between a man and a dolphin, I was hooked. Execrable puns aside, I am a more open-minded person for having read this book, even though my pet capybara now gives me a wide berth as it wanders around the house.

All is not perfect about this book, however.  I must question the publisher’s decision not to include an airbrushed picture of a male model on the cover of the book, as is de rigeur on all the finer romances of the Harlequin variety, as well as the author’s decision to pen an as-of-yet-unpublished sequel: Sorry, Charlie: My Affair With the Chicken of the Sea.

A wise man said it best

…when he wrote these immortal words in a oft-circulated letter to the editor of a prestigious journal of opinion:

Hack hack hack

Goes the quack quack quack

Makin’ all that loot

Violatin’ a boy’s birthday suit.

It is at times like this that a simple AABB rhyme scheme can trump all the wisdom and scholarly analysis in a 700-page book. In short, less analysis and more blank verse, please.

Perpetuating hurtful stereotypes

As a sensitive New Agey kind of guy who isn’t afraid to cry at the end of a movie—any movie, really—starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, imagine my surprise when Mrs. Hoffert chose this as a belated Father’s Day gift. The old me, the Earl chained to the hurtful gender stereotypes that cost me four marriages and a lucrative career as a game show host, would have flown into a rage. But I somehow managed to channel my negative energy and retreated to the wooded vale behind Hoffert Manor for a moonlight session with my bongo drums.

Flawless

This kettle does an amazing job of holding and transporting water, even when it is very warm. And as an added bonus — inexplicably not mentioned in the voluminous user’s manual — it also can be used to hold and transport cold water, even without costly aftermarket accessories.